Whitney Cummings on codependency: I lost friends who preferred me as a doormat

Comedian Whitney Cummings, allegedly 33, has a new essay for Lenny, Lena Dunham’s email newsletter, about her treatment for and ongoing recovery from codependency. From what I understand, codependency is an AA/Al-Anon term but it does have roots in mainstream psychology. In no way would I want to diminish what she said, which was heartfelt, open and kind of moving. I just wonder if a therapist would call it “codependency” or “dependent personality disorder,” not that it matters. Whitney went through some sh*t as a kid and she’s trying to make sense of that, and her maladaptive coping mechanisms, through the lens of Al-Anon. Her piece for Lenny was funny, sad and yet hopeful. I don’t want to oversell it and I’ve never been a fan of hers, but I appreciated how she kind of laid it all out for the reader. I’ll excerpt the main points below and to read more you can subscribe to Lenny before next week.

I couldn’t say no to save my life. I even found myself in sexual situations I had no interest in. I’ve slept with people because “they drove all this way.” My vocabulary was littered with obligatory phrases like “I have to” and “I’ll just swing by for an hour.” I routinely sabotaged relationships with my seeming altruism. Let’s just say I’ve purchased more than one custom gift with a boyfriend’s favorite NFL team’s logo on it from Etsy. After a breakup, my take was always “I loved him too much.”

But it was very hard to convince me that I wasn’t just, like, an amazing person. I buy so many Diptyque candles for people! How can I possibly have a problem? In recovery, I learned that the difference between codependence and being nice is motives. Essentially, if I drive you to the airport because you can’t afford a taxi and I expect nothing in return, that’s benevolent. But if I drive you to the airport secretly hoping you’ll like me, owe me, won’t abandon me down the line, or to control your perception of me (i.e., I want you to think I’m nice), that’s codependent.

I had always had a hunch something was wrong because I could give but I couldn’t receive. I could give someone nice jewelry, but when they tried to buy me a two-dollar coffee I would resist to the point of it getting awkward. And if someone gave me a gift, I viewed it like a grenade. I would have to wait until you left to open it because I was so worried I wouldn’t receive it well enough. My dear friend Beth gave me necklaces with my dogs’ initials on them, and I stressed out that she didn’t know how much I love them. I’ll Instagram them looking resplendent under the Nashville filter and tag her, send her photos of me wearing them so she didn’t think I was lying, and yet I still felt a pang of guilt that I didn’t deserve such kindness.

When I started going to [Al-Anon] meetings, every time I heard someone share, I related so much it felt like they had hacked my e-mails, or at least my Amazon account. I learned that as a codependent, I give too much so the scorecard is uneven in order to subconsciously re-create my childhood circumstances of feeling victimized and invisible. I.e., if you’re not going to make me feel bad, I’m going to be so nice to you that in comparison, you seem like you’re an asshole. GOTCHA!

My role growing up was the peacekeeper. My home was stressful, and putting out fires was the only way I could feel seen and like I had a modicum of control amid the emotional pandemonium. When my parents fought, I would put on improvised performances or fashion shows in our living room to try to distract them. Fussing over narcissistic people was how I kept in their good graces and how I felt safe. Worrying about other people’s problems (or perceived problems) was a habit I developed very early on. It worked as a child, but once I grew up, this coping device was a weapon I kept using even though I was no longer at war.

After being in recovery for codependence, I still get to be nice, but my motives have had to change. Today, my struggle is to do only 50 percent in my relationships. That may sound weird to some people, but my default is to do about 90. I once heard a woman struggling with codependence share her goals for the holidays: “This year, I am going to do half of everything I think I should do: half the cooking, half the gift-buying, half the party-going.” That sounds pretty simple, but for someone whose self-worth is contingent on others’ approval, it’s climbing Mount Everest.

Recovery is not without its cataclysmic life changes. I lost some friends who preferred me when I was a doormat. As my friend Kevin says, “When you get healthy, the sick get angry.” I still panic that mitigating my codependent impulses will make me less successful professionally, since needing people’s approval is historically what propelled me to work so hard. If I actually had self-esteem, would I ever work as hard again? The answer is no, but that’s OK.

[From Lenny, received via e-mail]

That was brave. I know Whitney isn’t most people’s cup of tea, she’s not really mine and I think Two Broke Girls is an awful show, but she can take that kind of criticism now. I can’t really relate to this – I’m not one of those people who can’t be alone and I don’t bend over backwards for anyone. There’s something admirable about Whitney admitting that she had a problem, that she’s addressing it, and that it has affected her entire life to a difficult degree. Not many celebrities would be so honest with their toughest personal issue.

The last gossip we heard about Whitney was that she was dating her former Whitney show co-star, Chris D’Elia. In Touch reports that the two were seen making out at a restaurant. She has him on her social media so it could be happening, but she was also a guest on his show Undateable Live on NBC, with her episode airing last Friday.

Another live show at 8pm! #undateablelive please send me insults for @chrisdelia pic.twitter.com/22EGi22epm

— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) December 5, 2015

the vampire twins are back together on #undateablelive 8pm on NBC. Don't tell NBC I'm on or else they'll cancel it pic.twitter.com/oljTOFw3vs

— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) December 4, 2015

photo credit: WENN.com and Twitter/Whitney Cummings

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